Top Chef: Dense As Gnocchi

There's a New Zealander. He's Frodo-esque. He might actually be tall Merry or Pippin. Frolic in the grass with Tom Bombadil! Richard Blais has a faux-hawk. Why is that the haircut of choice for these chefs? When it's pasted up, it keeps the hair out of the food? That's fine, I'm down with that. Richard uses liquid nitrogen to cook. Isn't that too much work? And why does "molecular" get air quotes? Simmer down, Elton Brown. Wrong show.

Jennifer Biesty is a beasty. She's a tough-ass dyke. She will punch you in Pizzeria Uno, where they are meeting. The restaurant she cooks for is three-stars. Would you mention it if it wasn't four? Eric is a big leather daddy who likes fire. If he wins the Glad bags (and I guess there's money), he's going to open a fire pit on the beach in Hawaii. Well, at least there's water nearby for his pyromania. Andrew is from New York and when he makes food it's like molten f*cking lava flowing out of him and he likes people to taste his passion. I'm calling the police.

Here's Stephanie, she cooks in a backpack. Richard and Jennifer Beasty link haircuts. AND OH MY GOD, Jennifer Beasty and Zoi are a couple! Get it, girls! Dykes unite! Can there be a tie? Oh the drama. I want to sit down with my UPS woman Big Hattie and watch this together over some Pabst Blue Ribbons. Zimma, the God-fearing one, looks repulsed. Unclench your labia and stay awhile, Z. So this means if one wins, they both do. Is that fair? Who cares, this could be lesbian drama!

Spike feels that it's "bullshit". And he's going to send them home together. Zimma seriously looks like Jesus is giving her the option to stand and scream at them about what sinners they are. Padma and Tom Coleco are here. SEASON FOUR? I need to catch up. They're going to be quick firing NOW. Don't burn my Chicago Classic, Jennifer Beasty!

Padma shows them their lockers, and the Whole Foods publicity display. They have to make deep dish pizza. Stephanie is a nervous wreck. Maybe you should put your backpack on to calm yourself. Dale is making an Asian deep dish pizza. Innovative. Valerie's cannon fodder. She's making "meat and potatoes" pizza. See ya, Valerie. Manuel is classically trained in France. Well, ooh la la, Manny! Nikki is from NYC so she finds deep dish to be threatening. She's unsure about how much dough to put in. Frodo brought marmite molasses from NZ. In the right hands, it can move mountains, he says. Nimma must be all over that shit, she's waiting for it to turn water into wine and loaves into striped bass or however it goes. Those are some biblical friggin' molasses.

Antonia loves to feed people. Come over to my apartment, we need a cook. She's making some burutta cheese pizza. It sounds good, so she's already won in my head. Richard's using peaches. Cut it out, Richard. And sweet tea sauce. What? Spike's a mouthy dick. He's not using anything innovative. Lisa is the other lesbian chef. Dykes love to cook. Gays love to drink. She describes her cooking as "orgasmic". That's some boasting right there. Everybody has a cigarette after her meals. She's making Asian BBQ duck pizza. Richard stole Andrew's deep dish pan. Under that faux-hawk is a villain.

Dale finds some of the pizzas to look horrible. He's right. Some of these look like roadkill. Like dead possum with tire treads. In summer. They have to transport them in actual pizza delivery bags. Cute! Their guest judge lives in some swank palace in Shytown. It's Rocco DeSpirito. I guess everyone's psyched. One of his hoes is there playing pool, oh that's Ladhma. She's gettin' some! Rocco spells "something funky" in Stephanie's. Maybe, it's Padhma. Chefs have to bring out slices to Rocco and Padhma. Who eats the rest of Padhma and Rocco's pizzas if they only get a slice?

Andrew runs out with a "well, hello". They hate him. This show makes me way too hungry. Did Nimma put God in her pizza? Maybe so, but she forgot the salt. And Rocco notes it. This is a giant kitchen. People get lined up, and everyone called sucked. Oh oh. Richard's peaches and syrup confounded Rocco and then he found it delightful. I'm thinking more than a few things confound Rocco. Like Padhma's bra snaps. I guess everyone is going to be living here. Andrew's all "case, mothaf*ckas!". Ok, shut it. Go find your deep dish pan. They have a rad deck. Champs is popped and poured. People discover what lesbians are like.

Nimma is communing with God and talking about how the pizza loss hurt her. She's not here to have fun, and she's not here to socialize. She's just here to work, so she goes to bed. Oh, she must be hot to hang around with. God, loosen up, Bible Woman! Everyone gathers for the first Elimination Challenge. The winning chefs get to pick the losing chefs to compete against, and the losers pick the dish! Holy shite! Richard picks Andrew, and Andrew picks crab cakes. Andrew likes to say "muthaf*cka" a lot.

Zoi and Eric are stuck making souffle. Zoi might be saying goodbye to her Beasty. Chefs tackle the supermaket. Dale is going to redesign steak au poivre. Andrew is such a tool, and hopefully he's bagging groceries here soon. He also says that their crab legs are "not so fresh". Richard's like someone's going home, and how do you deal with that? You laugh, and keep cooking, Brilliant. This ain't summer camp!

The utterly humorless Zimma is wearing a purple headband which is the most joyous thing about her. Ryan's got this whole elaborate plan to get all this crazy shit done in 90 minutes. Someone doesn't watch ProjRun. Nikki's making fresh pasta. Is she for real? Nervous Stephanie is about to jitter her way off the show. She needs a Xanax. Andrew's looking for mayo. He can't find it. Hah! Tool! Richard won't give him mayo! I like Richard. Richard does pass him over the mayo finally, but it's too late. Tool Andrew made his own. Zoi and Eric have no clue what's going on with their souffles. I wouldn't either. I have trouble making Kraft Mac & Cheese correctly.

Richard is using some kind of flame thrower to heat up North African spices. His ass is advanced. I like how Tool Andrew's trying to chum up to him, but Richard sees through to his stank. That faux-hawk is one of genius! Stephanie's hand is shaking so badly that she has to step back. This bitch better grab some sort of massage or a warm milk because she's going to end up accidentally stabbing someone. Or setting this joint on fire!

Time's up, chefs! Utensils down! Anthony Bourdain's here and Rocco's back. Tom Coleco's in the house looking pissed, but shiny. Frodo confuses the judges with his deconstructed orange duck. He included booze, so I don't know why he lost. Nervous Stephanie can calm down now because her ass won. It's Richard and Tool Andrew. Andrew's talking way too much and the judges are wondering if maybe some blow was part of his $200 worth of ingredients. Richard's dish smokes and releases scent. Tool Andrew is trying to play it off when his crab cake is pronounced "bready" and he loses. Ha, ha! You're bready!

They make these guys go sit out back in an alley after they're done? That's weird. Jennifer Beasty used a mint verde. Nikki made a classic lasagna, with fresh pasta. Nikki's won. She dons a scalley cap in victory. Ok, it's Nimma and she just wants the judges to be nice. Now I feel kinda bad for her. She should turn away from God and turn to fun! Go drinking and have some sex! Nimma's plate is too salty and her dish would have been sent back. Why they pickin' on God Girl? That's my job!

Seriously, do they sit in a backroom? Spike and the other lesbian made Eggs Benedict. Anthony Bourdain decides to measure the victor by which one would go better with a hangover. It actually comes down to how the dishes were stacked! Lisa wins, and Spike looks like he might go over the table and give Padhma another scar. Manuel's dish is too greasy. Ryan made a "chicken jew". Huh? I thought chicken picatta had capers? Tom Coleco tells Ryan what he dipped in, and Ryan better know it. The judges hate both dishes, Ryan's and Valerie's. It's not even picatta! Ryan brings up the fact that he started cooking when he's 11, and that he's going to go home and be scourged throughout San Fran for not knowing how to make picatta. This dude is self-involved just a bit.

Scary leatherdaddy Eric and Zoi roll up with their souffles. Bourdain sensed that neither of them know how the hell to make a souffle. Eric lost. Zoi won because bitch included expresso. Nice work. Always give em a cup of joe. People like that.

Is David Beckham getting paid for someone who isn't him writing his name on a Sharpie? Padhma comes to the backroom freezer to collect the chefs. Four winners get called. Dale's pissed because he's not one of them. Tony Coleco compliments all of them for how good the dishes were. And Nervous Stephanie won the elimination challenge. The chefs love to drop the "f-bomb". Stephanie can relax now, and try to find some sort of muscle relaxant to ward off stress during the next challenge.

Eric, Frodo, Nimma, and Ryan are the four least favorite. Oh oh. Rocco grills Eric about souffle. Jesus, he seems mad at him. Is this A Few Good Men? Did he invent them? This show is harsher than ProjRun. Nimma's shrimp was salty and bitch's flan should have worked. They should just use the cat-o-nine-tails on these bitches! Frodo is told his dish was "silly" and "pretentious". Tom Coleco has perfected the insulted stare as an art form. I'm waiting for Ryan to mention he's been cooking since he was 11. Everyone needs to know. The judges need to know. The world needs to know. 11. He was 11.

Ryan is called "dense" by Rocco DiSpirito and you know your life has taken a turn for the worse when some prettyboy dullard rock star chef tells you you're a moron on national television. Nimma's salty scampy was "way over the line". It was an insult to all of us! Please do not mix sake and martinis for Anthony Bourdain, Earth. He doesn't like that.

The Top Chef ad has Padhma dancing with knives. She's going to get another scar! It's time! Ryan better learn picatta or he will not be allowed to cook on this plane of existence. Nimma is sent home. Where was God when she needed him? HUH? HUH? Nimma doesn't want hugs! She wants revenge!

Next - Volcanoes, mediocrity, zoo animals, soapy hobbits, Dale and Jennifer Beasty gone wild. The usual reality show bullshit. You know you love it.